A Referral

I haven’t written in a while because I needed time to process. Time to cry, feel self-pity, and then get over it and realize I didn’t need to put myself through that… but feelings are what they are, and they happen whether we want them to or not. So it all worked to get me to a certain point. And Lia was there through all of the emotions, incredibly supportive and sweet and wonderful, as she always is.

My last doctor’s visit went well, on paper at least. My bloodwork was good. The ultrasound was beautiful. He can’t diagnose PCOS because I only have a few of the symptoms, but not enough for him to say that is what it is. So because of that, and also because we’ve been TTC for so long, I received a referral to an infertility specialist/reproductive endocrinologist (RE). So there the words were, spoken aloud, no pushing the possibility aside.

I have an appointment with the RE in early November. In the meantime, I’m trying hard to eat better, exercise more, lose some weight. It certainly won’t hurt. If anything, it will help some aspect of my life. So… yeah. At least we have Dance Dance Revolution on the Wii. That game is so much fun!

First Outing (!)

Wow - Lia did it! She went out for the first time, completely en femme.

And it went really well apparently.

She called me Friday night while I was in Atlanta. I had talked with my best friend B about my feelings on this on our 5-hour drive up. After the concert we attended, he and I went out for drinks with another colleague. I was feeling pretty cozy afterwards, because I get tipsy really quickly (at least it’s cheaper that way!).

And then Lia called. Since I was super relaxed, and had kind of sorted out some internal things via the last post and its comments, feedback on the spouses group list, and talking with B, I just said:

“You know, I’m not there… and it’s probably easier for both of us if I’m not. I’m pretty sure after you actually do it, I’ll be less nervous about it in the future. If you are feeling good and confident and you want to go, then go for it.”

I could tell she was feeling confident enough and really wanted my blessing on it. I called a good bit later and nobody answered at home. Then, at 4:30 am (just after I’d finally gotten to sleep… and she forgot that Atlanta is an hour ahead), she called me to say she did it, it went well, and everyone was very nice.  She even saw a buddy of ours there, who looked straight at her and didn’t even recognize her ! I mean, this guy is pretty much always there when we go, and always comes up to say hello and give us a hug. I just thought… whoa! What a compliment, in a passive sort of way.

I am so happy for Lia. And in a way, for me, too. It just kind of makes going out less scary. Not in the “is someone going to attack Lia” kind of way, but more like in the “what will other people think?” way. Because when I really think about it, this is a pretty safe town, and the club is in a very GLBT-friendly area. I know I have to get over the “what others think” thing. It’s just a hard area for me. But I’m slowly improving.

Anyhow… wow… yay for Lia!!!

First Outing (?)

So… Lia is basically closeted. There is one place in town where she could go en femme. It’s the only GLBT club in town, and we’ve gone there a LOT in the past since so many of our friends are G/L. And sometimes, since it’s 18 and over, I see my students there (ack, so weird! although it’s always been fine, I don’t get trashed or anything hehe).

But, and I can understand this, Lia is getting more confident now (especially since getting the wig!) and feels sad to dress en femme “with nowhere to go”. My best friend and I are going out of town this weekend to work, and Lia really wants to go out. En femme.

This freaks me out! I don’t want her to go by herself. What if some crazy person notices she’s a (genetic) guy, gets weirded out and attacks her? What if one of my students sees her and realizes who it is?

She says she won’t go if I’m not cool with it.  But, am I overreacting? Should I ask her to wait until I’m here, and ready to go with her?

I think it’s MORE of a feeling that… right now, the only person who knows is the person going with me on the trip. I don’t know if I’m ready for other people to know “the truth”…

Ugh, this all sounds so selfish! :(

PCOS

My appointment Tuesday went well. The doctor is so nice! He’s quick and thorough with the exam, but never made me feel rushed when we were talking.

He is pretty sure it’s PCOS. I have a lot of the more visual symptoms, apparently. I had bloodwork done, and I go back on the 19th to have an ultrasound done, take a look inside and see what’s going on.  We’ll also discuss the results of the bloodwork, and then options. Apparently regular exercise and eating well are really helpful in managing PCOS, and that’s definitely an area in which I need to improve (and that I can easily do!).

So… at least I know the trouble getting pregnant isn’t a matter of me “just not relaxing” or “worrying too much” or whatever. That’s kind of a relief. Knowing something is a relief.

A Wig and a Rant

Lia’s wig came in the mail a couple of days ago. It’s really nice! Last night, en femme with makeup, clothes and hair… well, it was definitely a complete package and hard to see the man underneath. I was okay - really good, actually - and this morning, not feeling any different about that. Whew!

Lia even got a bit daring, and went out of the house to check the mail.

On another note… something I’ve noticed about the online trans communities/message boards… I don’t know, it’s just very hard to feel welcomed if you are Republican, conservative, or Christian (whether you’re a “conservative Christian” or not).  Although I consider myself a moderate, overall, I definitely lean a little more to the right than to the left, and I am definitely a Christian.  There is so much bitterness and anger tossed around casually in posts, a lot of times just little jabs here and there, making fun of beliefs, etc.  And it’s an attitude that “all of them” are the same, no matter “how far” to the right you are.  Even if you’re just a little bit to the right, you’re still “one of them”.  It kind of makes me feel like I’m somewhere where I’m not wanted.  It also shows me that the people expressing these sentiments are just as mean and bigoted as the people they’re complaining about.  It’s annoying, and really just stupid. As long as there’s this “enemy” mentality on both sides, kindness and understanding can never really get through, and nothing will ever change.

Rollers Coasters & Makeovers

It has been an emotionally exhausting week or two. I feel like every aspect of my life, whether trans-related or not, is a daring and unpredictable roller coaster. I don’t know how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next. It’s been really hard.

Lia and I talked a lot a few nights ago. It helped to talk, to just start with a topic and go with it, see where it took me. Even though I didn’t have a clear idea about everything that has been bothering me, our discussion was very therapeutic. I didn’t feel so hopeless and overwhelmed.

Friday afternoon we went shopping for Lia. Bought a bunch of makeup, some clothes, shoes. I gave Lia a makeover - hair, nails, makeup. I was surprised by how much fun I had, and how okay I was the entire time. I had a great time.

This morning, Lia was on cloud nine from our activities the previous night. She was so happy! But as the day went on, I just wanted my husband back. Which made me feel so selfish and mean! And confused. I ended up being pissy and testy, even though that was not how I wanted to act. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Lia’s feelings or tick away at her self-esteem… and I feel like if I’m not 100% supportive 100% of the time, that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know how to handle the times when I’m feeling resentful or incredibly sad toward the femme persona. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife, companion, and friend.

Lia, being the amazingly patient and understanding person she is, told me that she doesn’t expect me to be gung-ho and excited all the time, in regards to her being en femme so much here at home. She says it won’t hurt her feelings if I need a break one day, and that she knows I need some balance right now… that this is still all new, in a way. I know she’s right, but I feel so guilty taking her up on that. I just don’t want to abuse it… to use it as an excuse to keep things as they’ve always been. But I know that in the long run, she’s right. Taking things slowly will help me move forward. More importantly, it will help us move forward, and stay together. Happily. She balances my personality so well. I’m not a patient person, and I usually reach my goals with excellence, and quickly. Lia tempers that, especially in areas where I can’t be in control… where I have to let time do its thing. It’s so hard for me, but I think it’s good. I’m growing and finding out more about myself than ever before. This is definitely the most introspective I’ve ever been in my life.

(And I do have say, she really looked amazing Friday night. I wish I had her legs!)

no!no!

Lia got this nifty little device called a no!no! for hair removal, and has been busy removing arm and leg hair.  It seems to work really well.  Lia has always had a lot of very dark hair, so the difference is very obvious.  It’s a big step for her, and a big adjustment for me.  I think I’ll be okay with it.  It’s actually kind of nice.

The bigger adjustment will come soon, though.  Any dressing Lia has done so far in our relationship has been very, very sparse and rare.  But now, with the unwanted, manly hair gone… well, that’s certainly a boost to her femininity.  She feels ready to be en femme, be more herself, now.  She’s eager about getting a wig (which, I actually found a really pretty one for her), clothes, makeup.  This is a much bigger deal than it has ever been in the past, so I can only suppose what it will be like for me.  In my head, I’m okay with it.  I’m hoping I will still be okay with it when it’s right in front of me.   I think I will be.  But I’m sure there will be, at least, twinges of sadness and loss, missing the masculine man I’ve always been attracted to.  Maybe if I expect those feelings, and am not caught off guard, it will make Lia’s transformation easier for me.

Yikes, MRSA!

Lia had a scare with MRSA last week.  All is well now, though!  Everything seems to be healing up nicely (and quickly).  Those were some hardcore antibiotics she was given.  How she got it, we have no idea.

So, that’s why I’ve been scarce… well, that and, I’ve been working like crazy!

Girl Stuff

67 days, and still no AF. What the heck?! Last time I went 76 days. Jeez. I have an ob/gyn appointment in late August. Depending on whether or not AF comes (or doesn’t), I might end up calling and pushing that up. They seemed to have plenty of appointments available.

I haven’t been to the doctor in a looooong time (not this kind of doctor, I mean).  First, mine moved away. Then we were without health insurance at all, for quite a while. Now that I’m in a position to be able to go (and afford it),  and since we’re actively TTC now and things are all screwed up cycle-wise, I made an appointment.  I chose an ob/gyn just because I tend to be nervous about going to new doctors. I want someone I can stick with for a long time… whether trying to get pregnant, pregnant, or not. I got a recommendation from a friend who just had a baby.  Her dad’s an amazing doctor, at this same hospital, so I knew whoever she ended up seeing must be someone he trusted, too.

I’m starting to feel a little less frustrated and stressed out about the whole thing. My friend M said she was this way before she finally conceived her first child. Actually, her AF was even more erratic than mine.  The doctor was about to put her on Clomid.  And then it just happened - without any drugs or other help.  Hearing stories like that make me feel like, even if I’m not textbook “normal”, it’s okay, and probably not hopeless.

Ignorance, Plain & Simple

Karyn’s gentle and wise comments got me thinking about the makeup purchasing issues in a different way.  I spoke with Lia again the next morning, keeping those comments in mind.  The conversation went very well, and we smoothed things over.  I understood more where Lia is coming from, and Lia started to understand how I was feeling.  It was good. (Thanks Karyn!)

At this point, Lia is completely stealth with the exception of myself and our best friend R.  The other day at Lia’s office, two coworkers got on the transgender subject because of the recent news about Thomas Beatie.  They proceeded to bash the whole idea of transgenderism, talking about how selfish “those people” are and “why can’t they just be happy with who they are” etc. etc. etc.  Which really shocked Lia, who wasn’t expecting a topic so close to home to ever come up at her workplace.  She remained silent because she really just didn’t know what to say.  And then she felt bad about that.  I told her if it really bothered her, then maybe she should say something.  She could bring it up as “Amelie and I have a close friend who is transgendered…” since this is not something Lia wants to reveal about herself at this point.  One of those coworkers actually works in the same office/room as Lia, and they had started to become friends recently.  So I could see why it was hard to shrug off and she felt the need to clear the air.

The following day, Lia did just that.  But the coworker just shrugged it off and stuck by his views.  Never even apologizing for being so harsh with his words and assumptions.  (I’m sorry, but if I’d offended someone, I’d apologize, period!)  Lia ended the conversation with, “well, I just know that you’ve been hanging out a lot at ____ lately” [a couple of GLBT bars/clubs we frequent] “so, in case you didn’t realize there are trans people at these places, you might want to keep those kind of comments to yourself when you’re there.”

We were kind of surprised at the views/comments these two coworkers expressed in the first place, because both of these coworkers are such staunch liberals (Lia and I are both moderates).  It just goes to show that bigotry and insensitivity toward GLBT people isn’t limited to one political leaning (or religion, for that matter).  Sometimes people are just simply ignorant, without anything deeper to it than that.